dearest, squishies, yumyum, lengleng, kylie.c

i dunno what to say....i dunno where to start... im falling apart...
how to start...

these tears dont lie...what i write here is true from the heart and soul...
to answer a question or two...

our breakup did devistate me to that point... im not gonna try to justify / be able to justify whats happend... i hate myself so much already that the pain is almost the only thing i know how to feel. it feels like my heart is slowly getting torn apart my thoughts are scattered and my life is a mess...
i never was hiding my true self from you ... when i was with you i now realise that was my true self... everything else is / was just an illusion... what ive done in life im not proud of... i am good at it, it keeps me occupied, i dont need to think, i just do, like life on an autopilot headed straight for the twin towers...but its not something im proud of at all .... not at all ... ive had too much time to think to myself 28/06/09 - my words, my thoughts, wat was said, what was thought...
i wish for it all to be a misjudgement...an outburst... a coverup.. honestly my heart wants what the head doesnt. or vice versa, i dont know what the fuck i was doing.... i want u back so badly. , im not a rash person, i do wish u true happiness in any way / form possible. i try to push u away from me in the hope that you'll find it elsewhere. but at the same time why am i so blind tht my desicions and actions still effect you even though indirectly ... you feel as though my desicions from after we broke up are on your conscience... am i making sense?? i dont even know what im saying....


baby hei sun la... we have lots to do

when i read those words, it all came back to me as much as i hate to admit it fucking cried for almost 4 hours straight this saturday night.
every word, every memory

NYE,
my 18th
wagaya, market city, l for love l for lies
SPACE-28/06/08
franks place,
hot pot
subbies fetish
sues plce
ikea
my bed
yum yums
leng leng
sneaking into ur house
hugging u to sleep
my mirrors,
carols
yoga -.-#!!
wii-fit
nat
maplestory
the way you smell
how i think you're so fuckin beautiful in any occasion - EVEN WHEN U WAKE UP
the restaurant i "booked" on sussex st dwnstairs
whenever i could take you shopping :(
when you dragged me around to shop
complaining about new shoes
waking up your your sweet voice
sushi train at market ct
escalator rides with me on the bottom
you complaining about yur phone and water dmg
your disgusting love filled lemon honey with the thingy i lost and i still owe u
you.

everyting about you, i could just list them .... on and on and on.....

i dont want for ths to be the end..., im sick of the heartache....
im sick of myself being so careless, its been 4 fucken years i still dont realise that even though i dont care for myself at times... other people do... and ... i dont wanna make a promise... dont wanna create any false expectation...but this is how my resolve is now


if i fuck this up , what good am i? why cant i hold onto an angel that was sent to me? instead i seem to only break her wings in my own selfish manner so she cant fly.... fuck it.

i just want to know one question... if the wrongs can be re-written to right.. not something to see over 5 minutes, 1 week or 1 month... but something to be seen , by you and for you to decide if its right..

im writing this here to see if i can get a piece of mind, and perhaps hold onto it...

ill say now that regardless of your answer to this blog; entry that my choices will be right. not only for myself, but for my mum, and family whom do care for me....

but ... if those wrongs can be right.... would you be proud to call me ur boy again? for me to be by your side? ... i realised doing so much all i wanted was possesions, material items, money etc ... fuck its important but i just remembered that it stood against everything that the one i most love.... =(


i want to ask you ... if there is still hope, maybe you do see something in me/my words .. (yeah.. fat chance but its all i got left... so im gonna try to pour my heart out once more....only one chance) then continue talking to me .... as a friend / w/e you like... but if you really dont believe i can change... i can make the wrong right then please dont ever contact me again...

if you could... email me all our pictures to s2.chungz@gmail.com ...you dont have to if you dnt wanna...

like i said ... regardless of ur answer.... i wont lie on ur conscience any longer...

so do you see hope in me? can you still believe ?


writing this for that piece of mind... still


J

"ngor hou gwa ju lei ar... , ngor oi lei leng lui.. i relli do .. always have and always will, doi 5 juu duk lei ar, for what ive done and what ive put / putting you through"